Full Air Traffic Control Transcript

ATC: Aircraft on Charlie lining up runway 16C, say your call sign.

ATC: Everybody standing by for departure just hold on with me for a second.

Russell: Man, I'm a ground service agent, I don't know what that is.

Russell: … start it up, get it to go … a couple of hours, I guess. But I wouldn't know how to land it. I wasn't really planning on landing it.

Russell: (Unintelligible -- might be "What I wanted is") just some guy who knows all about it.

ATC: (Unintelligible) … who knows how to fly one of those aircraft but we'll see what we can do and get you in contact with somebody.

Russell: All righty. Yeah, I just kind of want to do a couple maneuvers, see what it can do before I put it down.

ATC: … so I can reach out to you a little easier …

Russell: … a little bit.

ATC: I'm sorry, say that again?

Russell: Sorry, my mic came off. I threw up a little bit. Y'know, I … Shoot, man, I'm sorry about this, I hope this doesn't ruin your day.

ATC: Just flying the plane around, do you seem comfortable with that?

Russell: Oh, hell, yeah, it's a blast, I've played video games before so yeah, I know what I'm doing a little bit.

ATC: OK, and you can see all the terrain around you? You've got no issue with visibility or anything?

Russell: No, everything's peachy. Peachy clean. I just did a little circle around Rainier, it's beautiful. I think I got some gas to go check out the Olympics, and, uh, yeah …

ATC: OK, and, uh, Rich, do you know, are you able to tell what altitude you're at?

Russell: … cause I threw up all inside of it, it's bad.

Russell: … to join, I was thinking about it, probably a good thing I didn't …

Russell: Yeah that's all mumbo jumbo… I have no idea what all that means, I wouldn't know how to punch it in. I'm off autopilot.

Russell: You taking me to the jets?

ATC: Nah, I'm not taking you to any jets, I'm actually keeping you away from aircraft that are trying to land at Sea-Tac.

Russell: Oh ok yeah I don't want to screw with that. I'm glad you're not, you know, screwing up everyone else's day on account of me.

ATC: (Inaudible) Can we just shut down?

Russell: I'm down to 21 hundred, I started like 30 something.

ATC: Rich, you said you had 2,100 pounds of fuel left?

Russell: Yeah I don't know what the burnage… burnout… is like on take-off, but yeah it's burned quite a bit faster than I expected.

ATC: OK. There is the runway, just off your right side, in about a mile, do you see that? That's McChord field.

Russell: Ah man those guys would rough me up if I tried landing that. I think I might mess something up there too. I wouldn't want to do that. I'll hopefully… Oh they've probably got anti-aircraft!

ATC: No they don't have any of that stuff. We're just trying to find a place for you to land safely.

Russell: Yeah I'm not quite ready to bring it down just yet, but holy smokes I've got to stop looking at the fuel because it's going down quick.

ATC: Ok, Rich if you could, could you start a left-hand turn, and we'll take you down to the southeast please.

Russell: This is probably like jail time for life, huh? I mean I would hope it is for a guy like me.

ATC: Well, Rich we're not going to worry or think about that, but could you start a left-hand turn please?

ATC: … And he's going to try to help you out here a little bit, OK?

ATC: … And I think you might have some questions, Rich. I've got a pilot on with us, and if you've got any questions, you can ask him now.

Russell: Well, first off, you're a little, a little breaking up a little bit. I might be too far away. What's the distance on this frequency?

Russell: You're very calm, collect boys.

Russell: Hey, uh …

ATC: … apparently a grounds crewman with Horizon, I guess. And right now he's just flying around, and he just needs some help controlling his aircraft.

Russell: Naw, I mean, I don't need that much help. I played some video games before. I would like to figure out how to get this cabin altitude, like I know where the box is, I would like to get some, make it pressurized or something so I'm not so light-headed.

Russell: Yeah, I don't know anything about the autopilot, I'm just kind of hand-flying right now.

ATC: OK, do you know how fast you're going?

Russell: … minimum wage, we'll chalk it up to that. Maybe it'll grease some gears a little bit with the higher-ups, yeah.

Russell: I think lost you guys in the middle, I'm coming back on now

Russell: (Inaudible) something good … hear (here?)

Russell: Dammit, Andrew, people's lives are at stake here!

ATC: Now, Rich, don't say stuff like that.

Russell: No, I told you, I don't want to hurt no one. I just want you to whisper sweet nothings into my ear.

Russell: You got anything better than trying to land it? Like I know how to put the landing gear down.

ATC: Put your power, at probably 50%. That would be the two top gauges right in the center on the glass display there. And then press … well, tell me, do your power at 50% or tell me what you've got.

Russell: Yeah, I got it at like 20 idle.

ATC: Well, that's too low. Bring it up to like 50.

ATC: There's a sign on the bottom that says HDG. And it's got a little blue "M" on it. And you can crank that around. And, uh, you know, I tell you what, let's just do this. Push --You see the little HDG button right by that little thumb wheel?

Russell: (I didn't) know you could do that with these things! So what would, if you were to do it, how would you do it?

ATC: Well, I would try to figure out how to use the autopilot first. … not concentrate so much on flying the airplane.

Russell: Hey, you think if I land this successfully Alaska would give me a job as a pilot?

ATC: You know, I think they would give you a job doing anything if you can pull this off.

Russell: Yeah, right! Nah, I'm a white guy, they …

Russell: Yeah, you do your best. Hey, FAA guy! Are you on?

ATC: Yeah, I'm still here, Rich.

Russell: Yeah, but, kinda not either.

ATC: If you wanted to land, probably the best bet is that runway just ahead and to your left. Again that's McChord field, um, if you wanted to try that might be the best way to set up and see if you can land there, or just like the pilot suggests another option would be over Puget Sound into the water.

Russell: Dang, did you talk to McChord yet? Because I don't think I'd be happy with you telling me I could land like that, because I could mess some stuff up.

ATC: Well, Rich, I already spoke to them, and just like me, what we want to see is you not get hurt or anybody else get hurt. So like I said if you want to try to land that's probably the best place to go.

Russell: Hey, I want the coordinates of that orca, with, uh, you know the mama orca with the baby? I want to go see that guy.

ATC: Behind you, there's another aircraft. Would you be willing to talk to them if they're on the frequency, and maybe they can help you land?

Russell: (singing) back in the water … hey, what's that airport right there behind me, like to my left.

ATC: Well, first of all, Rich, we just need you to keep flying the aircraft. So if you could just stay there and keep flying the aircraft. The airport you just passed over on your left, that's the Tacoma Narrows airport, I mean, that's also an option if you wanted to try going there. But like I said earlier, McChord, that's a bigger runway, if you wanted to try to land there.

Russell: Whoa, that's disgusting. One sec.

Captain Bill: Hey, Rich. This is Captain Bill here. We're still listening. My airplane is doing just fine, how's yours?

ATC: They said it would be a better option, I think, if you would try to land it, or even land it on the water.

Russell: Yeah. Hey is that pilot on? I want to know what this weather is going to be like in the Olympics.

ATC: Well, if you can see the Olympics, the weather's good. I can see the Olympics from my window, and it looks pretty good over there.

Russell: All right, because, I didn't, I hit some, sort of like, turbulence around Rainier, but there was no clouds hardly.

ATC: Yeah, that's just the wind, blowing over all the bumpy surfaces there.

ATC: Uh, but, Rich, if you could, maybe start a left-hand turn, start turning back around, because if you get too close to the Olympics, you won't be able to hear us anymore.

ATC: … turn back around, here, like I said, we just want to keep talking to you, and if you keep going toward the Olympic mountains, we won't be able to hear each other

ATC: … come back around so we can, uh, stay in contact with you.

Russell: I've got a lot of people that care about me. And uh, it's going to disappoint them to hear that I did this. I would like to apologize to each and every one of them. Um, just a broken guy, got a few screws loose, I guess. Never really knew it until now. Um, just, you know. …

ATC: Why don't you come in here and start talking to Rich as well …

Russell: Is that pretty easy to come by?

Russell: … Man! Have you been to the Olympics? These guys are gorgeous, holy smokes.

ATC: Yeah, I have been out there, it's always a nice drive.

Russell: But … I think I might have (unintelligible) to be here.

ATC: Yeah, I bet you do. I haven't done much hiking over there. And, uh, but if you could, if you could start a left turn, and turn back towards the east, I know you're getting a good view there, but if you go too much further in that direction I won't be able to hear you anymore.

Russell: All righty. Hey, pilot guy! Can this thing do a, uh, a backflip do you think?

Russell: … think I'm going to land it, like in a, a safe, safe kind of manner. I think I'm going to try do a barrel roll, and then if that goes good, I'll just go nose down and call it a night.

ATC: Rich, before you do that, uh, let's think about this. I got another pilot coming up, Pilot Joel, here, in just a minute or two, and we'll be able to give you some advice on what to do next.

ATC: … we call that a bug, it's a little bitty rectangle, it's just somewhere around that compass, do you see that?

Russell: Umm, just kind of light-headed, dizzy. Man, and you know, the sights went by so fast, too. I was thinking, like, I was going to have this moment of serenity, you know, be able to take off, see all the sights. There's a lot of pretty stuff but I think that they're prettier in a different context.

ATC: … the right hand side, above you, on the right hand side, the air conditioning panel, you'll see it, it's a big panel. There's three switches along the top of it, make sure all three of those switches are in the down position, facing the nose of the airplane.

Russell: … where I been at is above 2000 … 2500 to be exact.

ATC: OK, Rich, thank you. And do you have an idea how much fuel you have left?

Russell: Aw, man, not enough. Not enough not enough to get by. Like 760, 760 pounds.

Russell: I'm just going to do this barrel roll real quick.

ATC: Well, no need to do that, if you could just start a turn to the right, and then I'll tell you when to stop turning and you can just keep it level from there.

Russell: I wouldn't mind just shooting the shit with you guys, but, it's all business, you know.

Russell: I feel like I need to be, what do you think, like 5000 feet at least to pull this barrel roll off?

ATC: (We don't want) you to get hurt either. If you could, I see you're still turning to the right, do you want to maybe start making a turn back to your left a little bit?

ATC: You sure would be a hero if you could pull off this landing.

*Russell successfully completes a barrel roll.*

Captain Bill: All right, Rich, this is Captain Bill, congratulations, you did that, now let's try to land that airplane safely and not hurt anybody on the ground.

Russell: All right. Naw, dammit, I don't know, man, I don't know! I don't want to. I was kind of hoping that would be it, you know.

Russell: … not for long, I feel like one of my engines is going out or something.

Captain Bill: OK, Rich, if you could, you just want to keep that plane right over the water, maybe keep the aircraft nice and low.

And that's the last we can hear of Russell. A little later, the tower thanks Captain Bill for his help, the ground stop is lifted, and departures resume.

This transcript was provided by Lauren M. Walker, Name That Loon.